I LOVED his proposal which was filled with private jokes and a scavenger hunt around our (then) shared apartment. My ex knew this about me and knew that I would want a proposal that would one day be a great story. Romance and surprise? Come on! It doesn’t get much better than that. For years I have loved to hear other people’s engagement stories. There is one memory in particular though that I have more complicated feelings about and that’s his proposal. And knowing this, or choosing to believe this, brings me some version of peace. He might not have loved me when he walked out. In that video I distinctively remember him looking at me with a face filled with love as I flailed into his open arms. We were practicing the Bachelor Nation jump hug where the woman runs and then leaps onto the man, wrapping her legs around his torso. Whenever I start to question if he ever loved me, I think about this one Instagram video I’ve since deleted. But I went out of my way not to do that this time. It’s also a super effective way to kick yourself when you’re down. This is a familiar masochistic refrain I’ve fallen into in the past. It would have been easy for me to decide that none of the relationship was real and he never loved me. One of the things that helped me get through my abandonment was not shitting over my memories with my ex. I don’t also want to lose our time together because of my ego or my inability to hold multiple truths at once. We knew we were forming a memory as it was happening. There was just the two of us hysterically laughing and rushing out to find another place to change. There was no animosity or hurt lingering in the dust-filled air. When I almost ran face first into my best friend in a demolished hotel bathroom neither of us knew we wouldn’t be speaking a few years later. Memories can be remembered in the context of when they were formed instead of adding on what happened later. But I am starting to rethink all of this. I thought any memory of an ex was tinged with his later rejection of me. I thought it was somehow disingenuous to tell a story about me and my “friend” if that person was no longer my friend. When I was younger, my all or nothing thinking made it hard for me to enjoy these kinds of memories. I don’t want to have to stop being able to tell it because our friendship ultimately ended in a confusing and painful way. Like the time we rushed to get to a wedding in Santa Barbara and each ran into the respective male/female bathrooms at the hotel to change only to suddenly come face to face with each other because they had knocked down the walls during construction. Yet my mind is still filled with memories of us. I no longer speak to the person who was my best friend for years in my twenties. So much of my life has been spent with people who no longer populate it. Maybe my elaborate plan to protect myself was a bit misguided. But now I am left without those pretty bracelets I loved so much and yet I still somehow remember the pain of him leaving.

I couldn’t bear the thought of keeping it and I mistakenly hoped that seeing all our memories in one place would make him realize he was making a mistake (this did not work). When my ex-fiancé came to collect his things after I was already back in New York with my family, I left him a pile of everything he had ever given me.

So I would immediately erase any pictures and throw out any remnants of the person who hurt me.

I thought that I had to shut my brain off from thinking about the good times in order to protect my heart. And it feels weird to remember it so fondly.įor a long time, I thought that once a relationship was over so was your access to any positive memories. The only problem is my ex-fiancé was there. I find myself thinking of this trip quite often. Multiple antics ensued, including my father mistakenly calling a restaurant in Massachusetts despite us being in Colorado. For a whole week we played games, explored the property and swam in the company of two dogs who maybe had an even better time than we did. After two days in the car (my longest road trip by far) I met my parents at a beautiful house in Colorado. One of the most memorable trips of my life happened in August 2020.

Allison raskin ex fiance jake